Eating in Front of Others

Oh, how I love a Potluck!  I get so excited about the never-ending variety of foods on display - the old standby egg casserole with its creamy, cheesy goodness; the new layered phyllo pastry whose filling I try to decipher with my tongue (is that broccoli and water chestnuts?); the three trays of brownies each begging to be sampled and judged superior to the other.  But a Potluck brings its own set of problems for me - eating in front of others and, inevitably, feeling judged.

This morning I attended a Potluck brunch for a mother's group to which I belong.  Let me set the scene for you:  about 20 chairs set up in a circle in a nondescript church hall, babies and toddlers crawling on the floor playing with toys, mothers breastfeeding while balancing plates of food on their laps, and a long table holding a moderate buffet of finger foods.  It couldn't get any more relaxed than this.  But I felt stress - and joy - and stress.  You see, I love being with people; it's how I recharge - and today I got to chat with some friends that I haven't seen in a few weeks (that's the joy part), but that Potluck buffet kept catching my eye the whole time, distracting me from my joy.

Ooh, what did everyone bring?  Is that homemade banana bread? What time are we going to eat?  I'm hungry.  Should I try one of everything or be "good" and just take some fruit and a bran muffin?  How much is she having?  Phew, her plate is fuller than mine.  This quiche is a-ma-zing, I really want another piece.  Two people just went back for seconds; that means I can.  Are they watching me fill up my plate again?  Are they thinking "no wonder Renee isn't losing any weight" or is that just my own voice in my head?  Or worse yet, my mother's.  

Eating in front of others is such a challenge for me.  All the terribly insulting things I say to myself about my weight and my relationship with food play over and over in my head until I inevitably think that other people must think about me the same way.  Have you ever noticed that naturally think people don't really seem to do this to themselves?  They eat, they enjoy, they move on.  They don't judge themselves for having a chocolate cupcake over a banana.  Food does not play the starring role in their lives or determine their self worth as it does mine.  Oh, how I long to be that naturally thin person - not just for the "thin" part, but for the part that's not obsessed with food.  

Tonight, while I'm sitting at the dinner table with my family, I am going to focus on enjoying their company rather than letting the food on my plate take the starring role.  And I am going to remember that my children could care less about what I eat or what I weigh.  All they want is my love and my attention.