Waiting for Change

Bless me blog, for I have sinned.  It has been 40 days since my last blog post.  That can only mean one thing:  I've hit on something big.  And I don't want to deal with it.  I don't want to think about it or talk about it or write about it.  I don't want to share it with anyone - not even myself.  I want to tuck it neatly away in that corner of my brain where uncomfortable feelings go to die.

But, alas, I'm trying really hard not to do that anymore.  The point of this blog is to keep me in touch with my feelings and share my struggles and triumphs with you, my readers.

So...here goes (better late than never):

I am waiting for change.

I am sitting around doing the same old things I've been doing for the past few years, waiting for something different to happen.  I am not taking an active part in my quest for change.  Do you ever do that?  Just wait for things to be different as if you have no control over them yourself?

I am waiting to all of a sudden wake up one day and no longer struggle with food but I am not really doing the work I need to be doing in order to get there.  I am waiting to lose weight but not really changing the way I eat.  I am waiting for my muscles to get stronger but am still using those same 5lb. weights that I've been lifting for the past three years.  I am waiting to enjoy my life more, but am stuck in the same-old routine.  I am just waiting for change - and I'm going to be waiting a long time unless I take control of that change myself.

I've always felt like change is something that happens TO me rather than something of which I'm in control.  That's ironic, because I'm the ultimate control freak.  But it's just so much easier to not have any responsibility in the change process.  I'd rather just sit back, think really hard about it, and wait for the change to come to me.   You know, will it to happen.

That's not gonna cut it, honey.

Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, I suppose you want to know what my plans are.  What am I going to do differently to orchestrate this change?

I don't freaking know!  I've only just realized I have a problem.  Give me some time to figure it out.  But I promise not to leave you hanging for too long.